Dear Rob

Dear Rob,

Why do you have a blog if you never post? Why do you post if no one reads it? To get things off your mind of course. You've read some old blog posts today and realized that not much has changed in that head of yours over time. You still have the same fears, still have the same doubts and still have the same issues in life. You're approaching your 27th birthday now and maybe that is the year that you can finally take a hold of your life, to follow your heart and your dreams. I feel like I need to tell you some things though before we can move on to the future. Things that have happened in your life that have shaped the things holding you back.

Starting at a young age you were never the same as anyone else, be it the glasses, the speech impediment, there was always something to make you feel like you just weren't normal. As you grew up and realized that people didn't look at you as different you made friends and went on with life as it was normal. Normal is something that you've grown to see as unattainable, but we will get to that. As your school years progressed you developed intelligence, you developed relationships with people, the ability to get along with anyone. Friends came, and friends went, some were friends for what seemed like it would be life. Elementary school was great, until the end of 8th grade when it all came crashing down, the beginning of the end so to speak. Losing out on class Valedictorian by one vote, you were appointed to thank the parents instead, except it wasn't exactly something that you were wanting to do at the time. Arriving at graduation after just another night of knowing that your parents are going to separate and having to then proceed to act like everything was awesome and say how much they helped through the school years, and how much we appreciated them and lead the rest of the class down to give flowers wasn't the best experience. Thankfully my teacher was able to convince me I'd regret not doing it one day and that despite what was occurring, that they really were the rock that I leaned on throughout school.

That summer was the last time I saw my mother, its been something like 14 or 15 years now since we went out for dinner with her new boyfriend at the time and was promised that she'd be back and on and on. Not a single thing that was promised at that dinner actually occurred, and sometimes it feels like I don't have a mother, though I understand that it is and wasn't possible for her to come back. I can honestly say that I have forgiven her for leaving, but a small part of me hasn't yet forgiven her for not coming back. Is that an underlying issue in where I stand today? I was probably more of a mom suck growing up then my siblings and it took a lot out of me at that time. Everyone will tell you I am a lot more like my mother was then what my father was.

High school, the time of change, the time where friends go in separate directions and you make new friends. I had so many different groups of friends in high school that I feel like I missed out on the connections that other people have. A lot of that is my fault for not staying connected with people and not being more out going and striking up conversations, but it sucks when you had a load of friends and then slowly they dwindle away until you don't know who your friends are anymore. I sort of just coasted my way through high school, keeping mostly high marks all the way through. I had nothing better to focus on; no longer played sports, girls weren't interested in me, I wasn't interested in drugs or alcohol/partys, so I focused more on school. High school is the time where I started to get a lot more self conscious I guess would be the best way to describe it, depressed almost. I watched everyone else seemingly getting any girl they wanted, watched them joking with their friends and realized that none of that happened for me.

Grade 12 is where things started to change, I had been attending church for a couple years at that point and finally truly believed in what was being spoken about. God became real to me in that year and I fully committed my life to him. That was a big step as I had kicked it around before, I believed but wasn't willing to take that leap. My luck seemingly started to turn around at that point, started making great friends, met a girl who I would eventually start a relationship with, was happy, a lot more positive and just life was great overall. There was an experience in grade 12 that showed how much people cared about me, and made me thank God for opening my eyes when he did. I had earlier in the evening attended the church youth Christmas Banquet, went out to the movies afterwards, came home and zonked out in bed as per normal. At some point through out the night I was awoken out of slumber by what seemed to me was a gentle shake, rolled over and looked, didn't see anything rolled back and realized there was a bright orange glow coming from the hallway. Still half a sleep I stumbled my way out of my room to see smoke filling my families apartment and my father asleep at the computer. I don't know what drove me, I had a determination of a thousand people as I rushed to shake my father awake and get him out of the apartment, while at the same time knocking on everyone's doors in order to ensure they were awake and able to get out of the building.

I think about it all the time, what would of happened if I didn't wake up when I did... would I still be here? More importantly, would my dad still be here? He spent a few days in the hospital from the smoke and I tried to act as if nothing happened. There was an outflow of support from friends, family, teachers and people we didn't even know. It was amazing to see, especially the teachers that had taught myself or my siblings come together and pretty much supply us with everything that was needed to get back to a somewhat normal life. Some teachers let me out of tests, final assignments, gave me breaks when I needed them and for that I will forever be grateful. My friends were super supportive and kept my head high when I went to them broken about having to answer the same questions over and over and just wanting people to stop, they showed me that people weren't asking because they're curious, they're asking because they care and want to help.

As previously mentioned grade 12 brought my first relationship. It was like any relationship in that it had its highs and its lows, for nearly four years. I thought she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with at the time, but it was not in Gods will. We were not the people we wanted to be when we were together, we were both fake and trying to sell an image apart from the life we were living it seemed. I became someone I one hundred percent never wanted to be after catching her cheating on me. I became disinterested in what was best for either of us, and more interested in what I could get out of the relationship before it ended, and seemingly looking back, in trying to make her life a living hell. There was a part of me during that period that still wanted to spend my life with her, and I never once stopped loving her. It was just my way of coping I suppose, and looking back the best thing would of been to break up at the time that the truth came out, but that period of darkness and being whom I never was meant to be, led both of us to marriage and young children.

That relationship ruined me for a long time, it took years to put my confidence and heart back together. I had hatred, I had spite, I had every feeling imaginable in those years. Slowly with the help of those closest to me I began to rebuild the things I had lost, began to lower my shield, remove my bubble so to speak. I've forgiven her, she's forgiven me, but sometimes I wonder if I've forgiven myself.

We're now in the present, Rob, where you have more than you'd ever dreamed of. You're sitting here on the couch at 1 in the morning while your perfect family sleeps. The girl you've always dreamed of is your wife, and you have the most amazing little daughter who just had her first birthday. Life is still hard, but if life was easy all the time then what would we ever learn. I haven't been the best husband, I haven't been the Christian I want to be, and I really have no excuse for either. Hating yourself constantly and putting yourself down isn't a good enough reason to neglect your wife and your Saviour. There are tons of people who love me, and I can't love myself. If I can't pay a bill I beat myself up for weeks, if I let someone down, I feel like the world would be better off without me. It's stupid really. If I could get past my hatred for myself, and stop being so hard on myself, I feel I would be a much better husband and more passionate about my faith.

So Rob, I, writing this letter isn't about making yourself feel sorry for yourself, its to get all that out of your system and let you remind yourself that you are more than what you currently feel you are. It doesn't matter what people around you say you are, you are more than that and you are a good person. You are a person with a faith that people around the world are still searching for, you are a person with a family that men dream and pray for every night. You have a roof over your head and a bed to sleep in with your beautiful wife, with your beautiful daughter sleeping next to you. You are everything your wife tells you that you are, and you need to work on the things that you are not. You are smart, you are healthy, you are most of all lucky.

Don't dwell on yourself Robert, look around you, as Tenth Avenue North says "You are more than the choices that you make, you are more than sum of your past mistakes." It's time to wake up Rob, it is time to be the man, the father, the son, the husband that you can be, that you want to be. Rob you have people that love you, you have people that want to lift you up and support you. Rob, this is the time, this is the place, move on from your worries, move on from your self hatred. Love yourself, love your family, love your daughter, love your wife and love your God.

Rob, I know I haven't said it in a long time, but I love you.
Go get some sleep,

Rob